::: English Lesson :::

[Aoife]

irgendwie auch SW-spezifisch ....

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, anda half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response,

'Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[Aoife]

Nite nite and don't let the bed bucks bite!


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlLvAF7l ... ded#at=132[/youtube]

[Aoife]

IMPORTANT RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness ....but it's more comfortable to sit in a Mercdes than on a bike.
2. Forgive yer enemy.. but remember the feckers name.
3. Help a man when he's in trouble and he will remember You when he's in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems... but then neither does milk...

[Aoife]

In light if recent events, the Iranian Board of Official Rhetoric has downgraded the US from "Great Satan" to "Somewhat Menacing Demon."

[Aoife]

A couple meet in a night club & end up back at the guys house. You dont say much do you? the woman said. No he replies taking off his shirt & trousers,Then whipping off his pants he stands naked in front of her & says proudly, I prefer to let this do the talking. Sorry she says sniffling a snigger, Im not into small talk.

(Stale it from Our Wee Belfast Forum ... und da das hier ja "English Lesson" heißt habe ich es nicht auf RP (= "Hochenglisch") editiert ... so findet der Austausch nun einmal unter englischen Muttersprachlern tatsächlich statt, auch wenn jeder Englischlehrer die Hände überm Kopf zusammenschlagen würde ...)

[Aoife]

... was nicht heißen soll, das nicht auch weitgehend "proper English" geschrieben würde, auch dieses habe ich unverändert gestohlen:

A Priest and Nun were out spreading the word of God when a bad winter storm approached.. They stopped at the first Motel with a vacancy.. They went to the counter and asked for two rooms The clerk replied I only have one room but it has two beds.. The Nun and Priest looked at each other "We will take it".. they went to their room and went to sleep A couple hours later the Nun woke up cold "Father Im freezing could u please get me another blanket.. So the priest got up and got a blanket and went back to sleep An hour later the Nun woke up again "Father Im freezing could u get me another blanket?" So he went and got her another..... A couple hours later she woke up again "Father Im STILL freezing!! Do You think for this one night God would understand and we could pretend we are husband and wife?" The priest laid there for a minute and replied "Ok.. Get up and get your own DAMN blanket!!!

[Aoife]

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however,been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity.

[Aoife]

Guy in a romantic mood whispers to his girlfriend I want to be a part of your body . No thanks, she replied, I already have an arsehole ..

[Aoife]

fell off me couch laffin:


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KacHlcWT ... 0w&index=1[/youtube]

[Aoife]

[Aoife]

Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets,''Jaysus i wonder how that happened'' 'Well'' says Paddy's wife.''Do you remember the night i was very very dry and we had run out of Vaseline,so we used that 3in1 oil,it was probably the 3in1 oil that did it''' By Jaysus'' says Paddy,''Just as well i didn't use the WD40 then''

[Aoife]

I was walking down the road when I saw a kid smoking. So I went up to him and said, "Hey kid, you shouldn't smoke. How old are you?"
He said, "Let me tell you one thing... my grandfather lived till 107 years"
I asked, "did he smoke a lot?"
"No, he fucking minded his own business"

[Aoife]

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

[Aoife]

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

[Aoife]

Some crazy facts I just discovered: A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig)

[fraences]

"It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb." :)

[Aoife]

Und hier für die Freunde des Glasgower Schottisch:

Wee Glesga wummin dials 999. " I need an ambulance, I'm pregnant & my waters have just broke " Operator says " Where are you ringin fae ". She replies.. " from ma fanny tae ma feet" !!

[Aoife]

the wife asked me what i was doing on the computer i said looking for cheap flights she got all excited which is odd as shes never shown an interest in darts before

[Aoife]

My wife asked me if I was having sex behind her back
I said who the feck did you think it was

[Aoife]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.”