::: English Lesson :::

[fraences]

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four.
One to change the bulb,

one to counsel the old bulb because its been thrown away by an uncaring society,

one to arrange the case conference and

one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.

[Aoife]

Paddy thinks his new girlfriend might be the one. but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit. a french maids outfit and a police womans uniform he says feck that ! .....if she cant hold down a fucking job shes not for me.,,..................

[Asfaloth]

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
__________________

[Aoife]

Girl asks her mother: What is sex?

Mother: Sex is when you stop a car driven by a man who offers you a meal in a restaurant, and then you spend some time with him in the hotel room, sleep with him once, and then each one go on his way and you have a hundred dollars bill extra in your pocket.

Then the girl asks her mother: What is Super Sex?

Mother: Super sex is when you stop a limousine driven by Chauffeur and a stylish man is sitting in the back who takes you to a luxurious villa, gives you a sumptuous meal with distinctive Caviar...and then you spend the night together in bed and engage in sex more than once, and then you part with an envelope containing a thousand dollars in your pocket.

And then the girl asks her mother: What is love?

Mother: Love is a lie invented by men so that they can have sex with you for free.

[Aoife]

[Aoife]

[Aoife]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away - but nowadays as most doctors are muslims I found a ham sandwich much more effective.

[fraences]

[Aoife]

[Aoife]

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

[fraences]

[fraences]

[Aoife]

Nachdem ich vor Lachen von der Couch gefallen bin hier auch für alle anderen die Schottisch lesen können:

Tae A Fart
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm no that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee farty

[fraences]

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Aoife]

[Aoife]

[Aoife]

The Queen and Princess Diana are going for a drive around Balmoral in their Range Rover, when they are approached by two muggers.
1st Mugger (To the queen). "Give us all your money!"
Queen. "I'm the richest woman in the world, I don't need to carry any money
2nd Mugger (To Diana). "Give us all your jewellery!"
Diana. "I don't need to wear jewellery, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world"
1st Mugger. "Well get out the car, we'll nick that"
The muggers drive away.
Diana. "I know when we left the castle you had at least a million pounds with you, what happened to that?"
Queen. "I saw the muggers coming and I stashed it in my fanny. Anyway I know when we left the castle you were dripping in diamonds and gold, what happened to them?"
Diana. " Well, I saw the muggers coming and I did the same"
Queen. "It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us, we could have saved the Range Rover!"

[Asfaloth]

The chubby princess to the Magic Mirror:
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is fairest of them all..!"

Magic Mirror:
"Okay, step aside, please..i can't see anything..!"

[Aoife]

MISINTERPRETATION...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

[fraences]

Boss: "Do you believe in life after death?"

Employee: "Certainly not! There´s no proof of it."

Boss:"Well.There is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your Uncle´s funeral.
He came here looking for you."