::: English Lesson :::

[fraences]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him.

"You have he right to remain silent.Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies: "Boobs"

[Aoife]

Sign at a Scottish golf course:
'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'

[Aoife]

[Aoife]

GRATITUDE

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally,
So, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for
Giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a
Corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy
To donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you
Card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind
Gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous
Again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money,
But you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie,
But I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[fraences]

[malin]

^ süss

[Aoife]

OPINION POLL... Who gives a fuck,couldn't give a fuck,couldn't care less OR doesn't give a shit.??

[Aoife]

[fraences]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

(Unknown author)

[Aoife]

Wife Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

[Aoife]

Anything unrelated to elephant is irrelefant!

[fraences]

A boy asked his mom:

How will I be able to find the right woman for me?"

The mom answered:

"Don´t worry about finding the right woman,
concentrate on becoming the right man."

[Aoife]

          

Die bahnbrechende physikalische Entdeckung des Higgs-Bosons-Teilchens machte die Welt 2012 auf das „Gottesteilchen“ aufmerksam.

The Higgs boson must be a really tiny priest, as it gives mass to protons

[bettyboop]

Old but still funny.. So Ladys, Know Your Limits!!

[youtube][/youtube]

[bettyboop]

Do you speak English?

[youtube][/youtube]

[Aoife]

It was so cold the other day
I saw a politician,
with his hands in his own pockets

[Aoife]

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, looks down and says,
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to by shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown"
The Irishman says,
"Turner Brown?!? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"

[Aoife]

full calendar this month,
no days missing,
a date on each day,
and every week has 7 days

[Aoife]

A Limerick:

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Translation:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

[Aoife]

[youtube][/youtube]