::: English Lesson :::

[Aoife]

[Aoife]

Eine reichhaltige Sammlung, teilweise zum Tränen lachen:

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010 ... html#/all/

Einziger Wermutstropfen: Den amerikanischen Fotgrafen kommt
anscheinend auch das schöne irishe Englisch "chinesisch" vor
*can't find that funny*

Und hier eine Kostprobe auch für nicht-Englishsprachige:

[Aoife]

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens



he kept in the hen house behind the church.


One Sunday morning, before mass, he

went to feed the birds and discovered

that the cock was missing.



He knew about cock fights in

the village, so he questioned

his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'




All the men stood up.



'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock? '




All the women stood up.


'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that

doesn't belong to them? '



Half the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock? '

Sixteen altar boys, two priests

and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

[Aoife]

New Game - "REPENT"




It being Friday, many of you may be looking for a pleasant drinking game for tonight. Check out this not-at-all-bigoted-man's list of people that need to "repent". By repent, this friendly man obviously means have a shot of the drink of your choice according to my new game "Repent (Drinking with the Bigots).

Here's how it works.
1. Gather your friends. If you don't have any you may feel a little sad and not in the humour for tomfoolery. In this case, switch on Chat Roulette for a while, and remind yourself that there are others worse off than you.
2. Ensure that everyone has the bottle of something strong. Those who do not drink alcohol can referee the game. Or take part, but it may not have the same effects.
3. The Referee should have a list of all of those who need to repent (as pictured above) and read each one out with a three second pause in between them.
4. Every time the Referee reads one of the labels that you identify with (e.g immodestly dressed woman, feminist, sodomite etc.) you must repent by taking a very long swig from your bottle.
5. The person who empties their bottle first wins the game and gets to go to "HELL". "HELL" in this case is actually an acronym for the "Hall of Ethereal & Luscious Liquids". Which is of course, a euphemism for the fridge. The winner should also receive a life size statue of two gay men dry-humping as pictured in the image above. If no statue is available re-enact with humans, according to tastes of the participants.
6. Replenish drinks and begin again.

Enjoy. And drink safely etc. etc. etc.

Source: http://musinandconfusin.blogspot.com/ found via: http://ograshinnfein.blogspot.com/2010/ ... green.html

[Aoife]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGTfwjbJ ... r_embedded[/youtube]

[Marc of Frankfurt]

Ortsangaben sind halt immer realtiv ;-)

[Aoife]

A man needs four things: food, shelter, pussy & foreign pussy

[Aoife]

Tweet von John O'Dowd MLA (Nordirland):

A notice on a shower in the Assembly states ' This shower is to be used solely for showering purposes'. Begs the question what was going on?

Hinweis an den Duschen in der Gesetzgebenden Versammlung: Diese Dusche ist nur zum Duschen da - was da wohl abgegangen sein mag?

[Aoife]

Paddy complains to his friend that sex with his wife has become boring.
"Use your imagination, why not try playing doctor for an hour, thats what I do" says Seamus.
Paddy says "Jaysus a whole hour!, how do you make it last that long?!"
"Its easy" replies Seamus. "I just keep her in the waiting room for 56 minutes!"

[Aoife]

Paddy and Mick on their way home from the pub and they come across a dog sitting at the kerbside licking his privates.
One says to the other "I'd love if I could do that" the other replied "Well I think you should pet him first!"

[Aoife]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier... when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men

[Aoife]

Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.

"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
..."A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly.
His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.
"And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.
"When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

[Aoife]

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152! 'Paddy says 'What's his name?' Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

[Aoife]

I was out in a club the other night and met a lovely Chinese girl.
To make conversation i asked her what her father did.
'He's a pirate' she replied.
A bit concerned. i tried to make light of the subject:
'Oh, does he fly the jolly roger?' I asked.
She replied 'No, he fries a Boeing 747'

[Aoife]

Just before the election, the Unionist candidate was canvassing in west Belfast.
'I was born a Protestant, I live as a Protestant, and I am proud to say that I will die as a Protestant/ he told the gathered throng.
'Jaysus, man/ came a voice from the back of the crowd, 'have ye no ambition in ye at all?'

[Aoife]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed."Write that down, Mary," said Joseph"It's better than Derek."

[Aoife]

Zur Abwechslung hier einmal ein paar Ausspracheübungen:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon - I cant say this when I am sober!
5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Viel Spaß beim Probieren!

Liebe Grüße, Aoife

[Aoife]

My missus had only just got out of the shower so I took her up a trowel.
She asked, "What the fuck is this? I asked for a towel."
I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you were putting your make up on."

[Aoife]

I went into the Chemist the other day and asked if they had any deodorant..

"Roll on ball type?" replied the lady,

"No! Its for my armpits" I said.

[Aoife]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" > Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" > Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"