Und hier ein Witz, den ich einfach für zu schön halte, um ihn euch vorzuenthalten, auch wenn er wohl etwas erklärungsbedürftig ist:
"Falls Road" würden manche wohl als "sozialen Brennpunkt" bezeichnen, auch wenn *wir* natürlich die Meinung vertreten dass die Assozialen und für die Probleme Verantwortlichen in 10 Downing Street und Windsor Castle wohnen ...
Wobei "Falls" übrigens nichts mit Fällen oder ähnlichem zu tun hat, sondern die britische Umschrift ist für ein gaeilge Wort welches "Hecken" bezeichnet. Also:
A woman goes to the doctor with green marks on her inner thighs.
The doctor asks: "Is your boyfriend from the Falls Road?"
The woman replies "Yes, why?"
The doctor says: "Tell him his earings aren't real gold."
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many! The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and wear your pants backwards instead.".
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired Biker in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Biker and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Biker replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way..."
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'
So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell..
Pregnant when you met her.
Tonight's forecast patchy outbreaks of alcoholism with scattered profanities followed by heavy pour downs of alcohol leading to persistent drunkeness & hangover.
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in a coma for nearly 6 months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied "Ma'am, you had twins,a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot!" Expecting the worse, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise", says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother." She thought, "I really like Denise."
Das erinnert mich an eine Geschichte dies sich bei einer Agentur zu getragen hat.
Die Agenturchefin hatte in ihrem Wohn/Büroraum, wo sie telefonierte und Gäste empfing, einen Vogel(weiß nicht mehr was für einen, aber er konnte sprechen).
Irgendwann, weil er immer wieder gewisse Wörter hörte, sprach er sie nach:
"Eine Stunde kostet 300 DM ohne Extras"
"Du, Wixxxxx"
"Arschxxxxx"
und noch viele andere Wörter, die man im Anbahnungsgespräch benutzt.
Im Laufe der Jahre würde das Zwischengequassel des Vogels so störend, vor allen Dingen, wenn er die Gäste beschimpfte, das sie ihn an eine Freundin abgeben musste, weil sie sonst ihren Geschäft nicht mehr in Ruhe hätte führen können.
He Sat There In Pure Ecstacy With a Massive Smile On His Face,..As His Girlfriend Slowly Moved Forwards, Then Backwards,...Back And Forth, Back And Forth,...In And Out....In And Out,....Her Heart Was Pounding, Faster And Faster,..Her Face Was Getting All Flushed, As She Broke Into A Sweat,...She Started to Grunt And Groan Uncontrolably,...Then She Let Out An Almighty SCREAM!!!....................I Can't Park This Fookin Car!!...You May Do It,.. Ya SMUG BARSTEWARD!!!.....:)
Just went to Belfast zoo with my cussie and saw this bear surrounded by snow and it was running around growling and snarling, next second it was curled up into a ball and crying.
A Nun Grading Papers
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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